An Obituary for The Beard

The Beard, 11 months, was shaved at 6:00 PM ICT yesterday, in northern Thailand, outside of Chiang Mai. It sprung to life just short of a year ago, in August 2012 in Atlanta, Georgia, USA.

It is survived only by pictures and memories; its father preceded it in its death at 1 month after an unpleasant run-in with an ex-employer.

The Beard was a long time resident of Australia, where it moved to as a youngster and lived out the middle 9 months of its life.  After leaving its childhood home just earlier this month, it found itself in a climate far too hot for it to sustain life.  Knowing that a beard-friendly future employer was only 8 weeks away, it was ready to reproduce as to be in a “manageable state” upon arrival.

It radiated wisdom and sexual virility.  It never slept, never complained, was always there when you needed it.  It saved your crumbs; it allowed you to relish your beerafter finishing the can.  It acted as a natural compass.  It could sense changes in the weather.  It naturally repelled insects, sun, and sarcasm.

It created fear in men, lust in women, and jealously among all pubescent faces.

It put one-size-fits-all's to shame.

It loved blowing in the wind on an afternoon cycle.  It enjoyed bonding with others over a cold drink.  It especially treasured being scratched by any hand lucky enough to touch it.  Don't wash those hands.

It was the single most greatest friend a man could have. 

Let us all have a moment of silence out of respect.

RIP BEARD.  We will always love you.